The Jihad
by Allergic-to-Paradox
Summary: Parody of the animated episode 'the Jihad' Kirk and Spock try to recover a sculpture containing a soul named Alar or, that's what's supposed to happen.... NOW WITH DELETED SCENES ADDED!
1. Chapter 1

Star Trek 'animated' episode #14 "The Jihad"

**A/N – the summery for this episode says;** **"Captain Kirk and Mr. Spock join a team of aliens trying to recover a sculpture containing the soul of their spiritual leader before a Holy war breaks out." Riiight. Does anyone else notice how Spock is always "Mr. Spock", not 'commander Spock' or 'science officer Spock'? That's just rude, man. Also, 'Aliens'? Er, correct me if I'm wrong, but isn't _Spock_ technically an alien from an Earthcentric view? **

**I also ask everyone to pardon me, my beginnings are always sketchy. **

Oh, and I do not own Capt. Kirk, Spock, Scotty, or Uhura, etc, as much as I may want to.

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Space, the Final Frontier. The _Enterprise_ on her five year mission to seek out new life, yada yada yada.

Stardate 5683.1 (sometime in the second season)

- The _Enterprise_ orbits a planet with five other ships, one of which looks like some strange kind of fruit.-

Kirk and Spock are standing on the transporters, waiting to beam down. They wait while the voice over of Kirk explains their mission.

"The Vadala are the oldest space-faring race we know. They say something incredibly dangerous to the safety of our galaxy is developing and they have sent for selected specialists, including Spock and myself."

AUDIENCE: 'Selected specialists'? What? What is it that they are so much better at then everyone else in the galaxy? Is there someone who needs to be seduced, or is there just a mechanical rice-picker involved?

ALLYP: SHHH!

Kirk looks at Sulu, who, despite the fact that he is the helmsman, only gets a profile shot, whereas Scotty is so special, he actually gets to _do_ something. Namely, beaming down the Captain and Mr. Spock.

Before they transport, Kirk gives his orders. "Keep this position, Mr. Sulu. If we don't come back, you have your orders, Scotty."

Scotty nods gravely, trying to ignore the fact that the Captain is wearing his summer toupee, it being three shades lighter than his eyebrows. Scotty once again shows his amazing transporter skills, because when they beam down, Spock is on the _other_ side of Kirk than he started out on.

They arrive in a circle of aliens on what looks like the Oopa Loompa's home planet. Colorful mushrooms and stripy plants straight out of Willy Wonka's factory surround them.

"Welcome, Captain James Kirk and Commander Spock." (See, _she_ gets it right!) A white furred, wolf-like woman with a hunched back and wearing a pink jumpsuit blinks at them. She apparently is one of the Vadala. Forgetting to introduce herself, she starts with the orange bird-man on her left. "First, Char. Hereditary Prince of the Score and Master of the Aerie."

Char scowls as well as he can with a beak. We must assume that means 'hello'.

"Next is Sword–"

Sword is a giant lizard-like humanoid, with a tail resembling a kangaroo's. He is given no description, perhaps he is public relations?

The Vadala is interrupted by a small, green, insect-like being. He complains that he and his kind are cowards.

The Vadala rolls her eyes. "M3green, expert lockpick and thief. He was sentenced to this expedition. Next is Laura. She is a hunter and has excellent directional sense."

Laura is... possibly human. In the same way Vampira is human, maybe. She is sitting on a rock and is dressed entirely in fur. Seems a bit tacky, really. What if the Vadala was offended? Laura also is wearing a necklace of long bones that look suspiciously like fingers. Kirk nervously checks to make sure he has all his digits. "I wonder if she dated Scotty?" he muses.

Spock, the Vadala continues, was chosen for his analytical mind and metrosexual appearance. You never see _his_ clothing disheveled. Spock doesn't have time to say anything, but he gets an eyebrow in. Kirk was chosen for his adaptability and leadership.

KIRK FANGIRLS: Awww, he's so special!

Char harumphs until the Fangirls shut up. Finally getting everyone's attention, he continues where the wolf-lady left off. "Two centuries past, my people the Score were warriors. We had advanced technology and could breed armies rapidly. But today we are a civilized people because of... Alar!" (Alar was evidently a curvaceous dancer, because Char moves his arms for the symbol of Alar in something like the alien version of the macarana.) "When Alar died, we placed his brain-waves in a sculpture, to make him immortal!" (Maybe this is where Jor'el learned it from? –see my Smallville fic–) "But the Soul, the soul of the Score, has been stolen!" Char is so upset that his wings move!

Mme. Vadala of the pink jumpsuit nods. "The Score are now preparing for war against the known galaxy. They are very upset."

Spock waggles an eyebrow. "It is a very real threat. In two years the Score could breed an army of 200 _billion_ warriors."

Kirk grins. "Sounds like my kind of party."

Laura looks at him appraisingly and raises an eyebrow, smirking.

"The theft has been kept secret, but we must find the Soul and replace it before they discover its loss, and begin a Jihad."

While Char is explaining the meaning of 'jihad' to Kirk, Spock frowns. "But if they are _already_ preparing for war..."

Once Kirk has grasped the concept of a Holy War, he decides to narrow the suspects down. "Who. Took... The. Soul?"

"That is unknown."

After a collective eyeroll, Spock asks, "Is there any clue to its location?"

Wolf-lady roars and makes a scary face. A glowing orange planet appears in their midst. "A mad planet."

"Dude, this'll be easy!" Kirk whispers to Spock. "Look at how small it is!"

While the Vadala neglects to explain _how_ they know the Soul is there, she _does_ explain that her race conveniently 'can't survive' on this petulant planet. "The first three expeditions have failed. You are the last hope."

Ahhh, they're the _fourth_ choice. _That's_ why they picked Kirk. After the third in a row failed they went for somebody expendable. Spock is still reeling in shock that he was the _fourth_ choice when the Vadala asks if they accept the mission.

Everyone exchanges looks in an exceedingly dramatic way, except for Spock, who glowers at Laura in a way that could only mean "Step off, bitch!".

Kirk grins. "We agree."

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**A/N–-- DUN DUN DUUNNNNN!**

**Betcha can't wait to see what happens next!** **Go me, I haven't had to type 'McCoy' once! Yay!**

**Soo, it is wicked late at night and I wanted to get this out as soon as possible, so my Mum hasn't proofed it yet, and any errors you spot, please mention, thanksabunch. Also, thanks to Schematization, who has kept poking me until I wrote another one...** ;

**Go on, make my day, review, PLEAZZZZE?**

**Wow...my spellcheck really does not like the phrase 'Oompa Loompa'. ... can anybody tell me how to spell macarana? macaraina ...urg!**


	2. Chapter 2

**chapter two, TOS animated episode "The Jihad" **

**disclaimer: the same as last time, although now I own a monitor that has little mosquito splats on it... icky.**

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The wolf lady –who still has no name– does her _I Dream of Jeanie, _crossing her arms and nodding her head. Everybody glows, then is transported to the argumentative planet, next to a handy little Flintstones car that only has four seats. Volcanoes and giant mountains of ice dot the background, and the soil is rough and desert-like.

"I cannot feel the soul! We are nowhere near it!" Char cries.

"Wow man," Kirk mutters, "way to go with the negative waves."

Sword, suddenly with an orange jacket, (it was green before now) growls that he likes the planet, because "it's got variety!"

M3green groans that he can drive the vehicle. Of course, they let the _convict_ handle the machines, including the handy-dandy Soul Homing Device(tm). Predictably, the Soul HD explodes, leaving them only with a vague sense of where to go.

"Why do they call this a 'mad' planet?" Kirk asks Laura.

She snorts. "Means nothin'. I can tell the way." She turns her head, revealing Grinch-like eyebrows and a widow's peak that would make Dracula jealous. "That way!"

"Are you certain, human?" calls Char windily.

Spock, annoyed by Char's constant tendency of speaking as though he is flying at 60mph, takes a moment from his contemplation of being FOURTH! to answer. "The Vadala would not have chosen Laura if her abilities were not perfect."

"Fer sure, Bird-man. My kind don't get lost."

Kirk, having now recovered from the idea that Laura is actually human, tells Char to fly, so there will be room in the car.

Spock says he will 'acquaint himself with the supplies'. Poor Spock. This fourth thing has him so flustered that now he'll cheat on his diet!

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Once again, Kirk can't fit his big head into the shot. Really, it just looks like he's standing directly in front of the camera! Couldn't someone have told him to stand back a little? All we can see is an eye, ear, eyebrow, and receding hairline.

"I don't really like Vulcans. Cold-blooded critters, all of them." Laura tugs down her fur Vampira-dress so more of her cleavage shows.

Kirk swallows nervously. "Ah.. I wouldn't say that. Mr. Spock has a...unique personality."

"Well, on my planet, there's a lot of females, not so many males. Come we find a man attractive, we say so...I'm sayin' so. How d'you find me?"

"Errr.." Kirk looks around quickly for escape, but Laura has him cornered. "Fascinating," he says weakly.

Spock, having looked up from behind the potato chip bag and seeing Laura advancing on Kirk, quickly steps in between them, hiding the chips behind his back. "There are weapons in the supplies, Captain."

"But there is no life on this planet!"

"But there is, Captain...Ourselves."

Sword interrupts this 'Lord of the Flies' moment so they can get in the golf cart and go. One must wonder why they don't just stop over at the Fortress of Solitude in the background there and ask Superman for a hand!

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Poor Sword, they stuck him in the trunk.

It starts hailing, and one particularly big hailstone knocks M3 on the head. "We'll all die here!" he moans.

"That is a statistical probability," Spock (FORTH!) intones.

Laura rolls her eyes. "You ever quote anything besides statistics, Vulcan?"

"Yes, but philosophy and poetry are not appropriate here."

Char suddenly remembers he is supposed to be reporting and calls down, "I can see something! Look, it is there!"

A random volcano erupts, lava follows them, and suddenly they are in a canyon. Kirk tells them that to escape the lava flow, they will have to divert it. When Spock scoffs at this idea, Kirk says that they'll use all the power to make the car go fast. Instead of just getting out and walking out of the way.

So, while the volcanoes fix their smoke-afros, M3 and Spock rewire the car, and the others (except for Char, who points and laughs) try to block the canyon with big rocks. It seems that Kirk, Laura and Sword have enough time to climb to the top of the cliff, find perfectly round boulders, and push them in. Ahh, _that's_ what Sword's job is, Rock-pusher!

ALLY-P: Look, it takes both Sword _and_ Kirk to push a rock, while Laura can push one the same size by herself! HA!

KIRK FANGIRLS: GRRR! –start advancing, armed with phasers, spoons, and pointy, perfectly manicured nails, aiming to kill–

Spock waves to distract the Fangirls. "It's re-rigged!"

SPOCK FANGIRLS: –sigh– He's so smart!

KIRK FANGIRLS: – Lose sight of Allyp in the hordes of Spock Fangirls and give up the hunt in favor of Kirkwatching–

Char watches smugly while they Flintstones-walk the car, trying to get out of the way of the lava, which is now flowing uphill. Then Spock, who was _driving,_ runs over a rock and falls out of the car...yeah... Kirk runs back to him.

"I'll never let go, Jim! But I can't survive if I'm only Fourth!" The anguish is apparent in his overuse of punctuation.

"No way," Kirk growls. "I'm not about to let you die and leave me alone with Sword _and_ Laura!"

They rush over to the car and start driving again, only to get stuck halfway up the hill. So they get out and _walk_ up the hill, avoiding the lava. They all strike their best paper doll poses, and Kirk, slouching to get his head in the shot, does his best Bill Nighy 'Popstar' pose. (From Love Actually). "Kids, don't buy drugs... Become a Popstar, and they give you them for free!"

Spock objects once again that Kirk saved him, and Kirk calls him the best science officer Star Fleet has ever had. Awww..

Sword interrupts this cute moment with a request to "Get on with it!"

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**A/N – Sooo, here's the second chappie, _finally!_ Sorry this took so long, but I finally got my Star Trek DVDs from ebay, only to have them totally _not_ work, so now we have to wrangle to get my money back...urgh... right. So, hoped you liked it,** **review** **review** **review**!

**Here's something, if you read this far, hit the review button and type 'yo'. That's it, that's all I'm asking, especially you folks that have this on alert, and haven't reviewed yet! (You know who you are!)** **The more the reviews, the faster the chapters will come! Yay!**

**Allyp**

**Quote for the day:**

"**Can the world buy such a jewel?"**

"**Yea, and a case to put it into!"**

**-**Claudio & Benedick, in Shakespeare's Much Ado About Nothing


	3. Chapter 3

**So, here is chapter three, finally.. thanks to all of you who waited!  
Disclaimer...nah, still don't own nothin'. **

**And thank you to everyone who read this chappie before I fixed it (oops!)**

**

* * *

**Now it is snowing. They have all resumed the exact same paper doll positions as before, only now there are white bits swirling through the air...Honestly, it just looks like Zeus had dandruff. Sword takes this time to switch into his shirt, perhaps feeling that orange was not his color, since Kirk wasn't paying any attention. 

Char, having grown bored with pointing and laughing, is flying in big circles to make himself dizzy. (Those of you who have this tape will know what I mean when I say that this is freakin' hilarious to watch in rewind).

Suddenly, the ice M3green is standing on cracks, and he clings precariously to the edge of a cliff with his top two hands. Spock _walks_ calmly over (_sugar crash!_) to him, lays down, and grabs M3's top two hands. _Kirk_, on the other hand, _runs_ over, lays down, and grabs Spock's boots...Yeah. Uh, dude? The guy has _six_ _hands_, wouldn't it make more sense to grab some of those and actually pull the guy up?

Laura smirks at this masculine idiocy and whistles for Char, who flies over and lifts M3 up.

M3 complains that he is so tired, he isn't even afraid anymore. At an order from Kirk, Sword lifts up the green alien, who seems to have shrunk from the cold. Sword of course changed back into his orange shirt while we weren't looking. Trying to distract our beloved Captain perchance? Dramatic flute music plays in the background while the others exchange tense looks.

There is a shot of Char flying, then a pretty forest scene and Sword is still holding M3, who has grown back to regular size.

"What is it?" Kirk asks, once more standing too close to the camera.

"Not sure," Sword grunts. "Thought I saw something move over there."

"There is no life on this planet," Spock mumbles through a mouthful of Romulan Special-brew Brownies.

"Guess you're right. This planet just gets on your nerves after a while."

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"I can sense...the SOUL!" Char shouts, flapping his wings. "I will fly ahead and scout the building!"

Kirk scowls. "No, you won't! I'm the leader! What you'll do is fly ahead and scout the building!"

Spock and Sword exchange looks. Spock shrugs.

"And Char," Kirk adds, his eyeball-less face 3 inches from the camera. "Be careful. We need _you_, too."

Char flies off sideways and Kirk turns to the others. Ignoring Spock's hurt-puppydog-eyes look, he somehow manages to talk by moving only his mouth and not his jaw. The authoress chooses not to speculate where and how he learned to do this. "I know we're tired, hungry and worn out, but I'm going to scout ahead."

Sword scratches his head, wondering if that was supposed to make sense.

"I'll go with you!" Laura bursts out, catching on. "Scoutin's my job anyway."

Kirk smirks. Yes, even in the cartoon he can pull off a lecherous look. They run off into the wild blue-icy-volcano-covered yonder.

KIRK FANGIRLS: – Heavy Sigh–

LAURA FANGIRLS: He _so_ doesn't deserve her! –sigh–

Spock raises an eyebrow, but decides that it had to happen sooner or later and lets it go, because he knows if you really love someone, you should set them free...(ok, he really lets him go because he noticed the Rabid Spockgirls/guys waiting on the side with trays of cookies and Vulcan Tarts.–the _pastry_ kind!–)

"Sword," he continues, once the bouncers have escorted all fans off set. "What did you think you saw back there?" He raises an eyebrow.

SNEAKY FANGIRLS:–Swoon!–

Sword has taken a leaf out of Kirk's book and stands right in front of the camera. "Don't know. Thought I saw a figure. Must have been seeing things."

Fourth–er–_Spock_ replies wittily, "There should be no life on this planet."

"You keep saying that!" complains M3.

"Yes." Spock holds still for his Super-closeup with mega eyeliner. "The Vadala would have told us if there were any live being here we should know of."

"Well," growls Sword, swatting a Fangirl or two, "if they could scan for that, why couldn't they tell where the soul was?"

Spock is stymied by this and doesn't reply.

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Kirk and Laura have _finally_ reached the building that Char saw. It looks rather like an upside-down ringpop, sans ring.

"Well," Kirk pants. "Here we are, at the end of a long, hard journey."

"Don't forget, James," Laura quirks a scary eyebrow. "We still have to go back, if ya know what I mean."

MONTY PYTHON FANS: –gleefully–Wink wink, nudge nudge, say no _more!_

Laura turns and glares, pointing to her finger-bone necklace meaningfully. The Python fans shut up.

"As I was sayin'," she continues, "to tell the truth, I think you're an attractive man. Maybe the trip'd be easier if we were..._together_."

Any Kirkgirls/guys that would have reacted to this have now been cowed into silence, so we will continue.

Kirk eyes her nervously, wondering if she is going to expect long-term commitment now.

"And if anything happened, why...we'd have plenty of green memories."

"I already have...a lot of green memories." (Seriously, he really says this...and in a kid's cartoon! I ask you!)

"Oh."

"Maybe some other time, Laura." Kirk smirks at this smooth evasion of commitment.

Suddenly, they are all standing before the building, which is now amazingly huge. And purple. And sparkly.

"Is this not the shape of your people's primitive temples?" Spock asks Char, hands on hips.

Bird-man, annoyed that Spock called his people primitive, tosses his...feathers, and imitates him. "Yes. The entrance should be." For some reason, Char ends his sentence there and points. Everyone looks over and suddenly notices the big, obvious pink door in the wall. Which, coincidentally, is the exact same shape as a right-way-up ringpop, sans ring.

"There's no lock I can't pick," groans M3 and moves toward the door.

Sword blinks, wondering why they don't just ring the doorbell.

M3 stands in front of the lock and waggles all six arms to unlock it. Conveniently, the lock is exactly at arm-level for so short a being.

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There is a random shot of the starships orbiting the Vadala's planet. Which is odd, considering that Kirk & crew aren't even _on_ that planet.

"What's happening?" growls Kirk after a few seconds.

"I'm opening the locks." M3 cowers as much as possible while waving all six arms.

"Wonderful!" Laura exclaims, causing several Fanguys to faint.

"No," he moans, "they're on a time trigger! If I don't unlock it fast enough, it'll explode!"

"Well, that'd suck," Kirk observes philosophically.

Spock (fourth) just sighs.

Then, purple torpedoes with bird's heads shriek out of the sky toward them.

Laura, who is looking more and more like the aliens in _Mars Attacks _as the episode goes on, raises her phaser. Sword leaps to defend M3, brandishing what looks like a staple gun. Char–who is now somehow flying –gets run into by one of the purple torpedoes. The impact makes him lose three feathers and a goldfish cracker. Don't ask where he was keeping it.

Kirk and Laura fire their phasers and explode a torpedo. "It's mechanical!"

"Of course," Spock agrees, holding up his hair-dryer. "The Vadala were right, there is no _life_ on this planet." He says. Again. He pulls the trigger, revealing that there is a phaser hidden inside the hair-dryer. Sneaky Spock. He explodes another one.

Sword growls at M3, "Hurry up, small one!"

Char wrestles with the remaining torpedo, then gets carried off by it. Somehow.

"What happened?" Laura cries. While the others were busy not looking, she seems to have gotten into Spock's eyebrow extensions because her eyebrows have doubled in size, though they are still forked at the ends.

"There is no way to tell from here," Kirk answers. "The mechanical exploded. We can't reach the roof from the outside."

"Done!" calls M3. The door opens, effectively silencing Kirk's nonsensical words.

"We could rest for a while," Kirk offers. "Laura?"

"Hell no!" she snorts, rolling her eyes. "We've come this far."

"Let's finish it!" gravels Sword.

Inside the building, the 'Soul' floats. It looks like a giant, glowing yellow bow for a birthday present and sounds like it needs a tune-up.

"Pretty," grunts Sword, "how do we reach it?"

"The walls are not climbable," says Spock, in his confusion making up words.

"Either we find a way to reach it from here, or...we fail." Kirk smirks.

ALLY-P: Um, couldn't they just make a people pyramid, grab the soul, and beam out? Hello? –swiftly ducks head behind notebook to hide from Fangirls, who are searching around for the person making sarcastic comments.–

Quite all of a sudden, the door closes. "No lock on the inside, we're trapped!" moans M3.

"That's right!" Kirk agrees, smirking again.

"You're not surprised," Laura raises an eyebrow. Spock, finally seeing where his spare eyebrow extensions went, sneers at her and raises _his_ eyebrow, to show that he's a natural and she's just faking.

"The first three expeditions to the planet failed. But that was not enough." Kirk opens his eyes wide for dramatic effect.

"You suspect sabotage, Captain?" Again with the eyebrow. It's a wonder he doesn't look like Frankenstein's monster by now!

"Yes. Remember Spock, you were the one who said there were no life forms here except ourselves."

"Yeah, he said it enough," M3 grumbles to Sword.

"But that doesn't matter, if we can reach the soul!" Kirk looks around and discovers that the wall is indeed 'climbable'. He heaves himself onto a ledge that runs around the room. Everyone except Sword joins him.

"I'm not built for that sort of thing!" he complains. "I'll wait down here."

Dramatic music plays as they inch sideways along the narrow ledge toward the soul.

ALLY-P: Now, wouldn't it have made more sense to _walk over_ to the wall _next to_ the soul, then climb up on the ledge, instead of inching along around the whole building? –Fangirls of all sorts whip around, glaring and throwing popcorn at said writer. Ally-p makes a mental note to borrow a phaser from Scotty next time she begins a parody.–

The Building shakes. "Earthquake," Spock sums up.

Laura produces a lasso from...somewhere. "Maybe I can lasso the soul!"

Kirk's jaw drops. "I didn't see _that_ before!"

Spock raises an eyebrow.

A shot is fired, blowing a hole in the wall near them. "The last piece of sabotage," Kirk says triumphantly. "I know who you are! A thousand feet up, no method of reaching the soul except by air, by flight! _CHAR_ !"

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**A/N--- Wow, this is a pretty long chapter... I did grammar check on this, and it came up with: **

**"**'_And sparkly**' **_**May not be a complete sentence" **

**...lol**. **And I must admit, 'climbable' is actually a word, it just sounded made up. Also, I want to thank my little sister, who at ten years old is already starting to parody. She spotted the goldfish that Char drops, Spock's hair-dryer-phaser, and the fact that Sword wields what appears to be a staple gun. **

**Soooo, review review review!**

**Quote for the day:**

"**But I had to freeze him! He had a mean look. I like happy looks."**

**-Charlie Evans**, in 'Charlie X', Star Trek. But I expect you all knew that.


	4. Chapter 4

**Disclaimer– Nope, don't own Star Trek, just a few books and a slight obsession... **

**Current music: The Jungle Book ('We are friends' especially)**, **Depeche Mode's 'People are People'**, **Porno for Pyro's 'Pets', & lots of Sinead O'Connor...**

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Char flies down and hovers in the air by the soul, waving his wingtips to keep aloft.

"Char! In the name of the Seven Gods _(Doc, Bashful, Sleepy, Grumpy...)_, _why_?" cries Laura.

"You stole this!" Kirk scolds, waving at the levitating Soul-ribbon, which is now blue. "You'll start a bloody crusade across the galaxy, why?"

"The Score were once a warrior race!" Char wails. "Now we are slaves to the illusion of peace! Now, we can't even reproduce!"

M3 turns even greener. "Didn't need to know that!"

Char resumes monologueing, waving his arms and hovering. Spock (fourth) looks around and realizes he's trapped from doing anything by Laura and M3green, who are on either side of him. "Most of your people will be killed," he tosses in.

"Yes!" Char rants. "A noble death, to win a great dream! We will live no longer as worms in the dirt!!"

While Char continues ranting, the assorted group members sigh, tap their feet, or check their watches, waiting for him to _finish_ already!

Char pulls a wing over his face and says "Let's get _dangerous!_" then soars off and leaves everyone just standing there, staring after him. (Can't blame them, really, after that show of bizarre crossover material.) Until they start to float, that is.

"Look Spock, look!" Kirk shouts. "I'm thinking happy thoughts and it works!!"

"He turned off the gravity!" moans M3.

"Oh..." Kirk looks around quickly to see if anyone heard his mistake.

"Now you can fight me like a Score!" the berserk bird-man calls.

"No offense, little ones, but let _me_ tackle him!" Sword cries.

"Use your phaser!" shouts M3, finally.

"Too risky!" growls Kirk. "Spock, when was the last time you worked out in null-gravity?"

"Last week, Captain, with you–"

KIRK/SPOCK SHIPPERS: –WOOT! SQUEE!!–

"Yes! I remember!" Kirk cuts in hurriedly. He pushes off the wall toward Char and, predictably, misses.

Spock catches Char's wing and Kirk grabs the other one on his next pass. "Call for retrieval!" he shouts to Laura, hooking his foot on the soul. (Bit rude, really). Laura pulls a little white box with an orange-and-red button from...somewhere, and presses the button.

"Let me DIE!" shouts Char as they start glowing yellow.

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They are back in Willy Wonka's woodland circle again. The Soul is glowing in the center, and Char sulks off to the side.

"We give you thanks," the White Wolf-lady says. "The Soul of Alar is returned to his people. Or it will be, once we get it off _our_ planet."

Kirk looks at Char, who is sulking in a see-through box which keeps him sedated. Unfortunately for him, a side-effect of this is that he now has Ramones songs running through his head.

"How are you going to punish him?"

"He will be healed of his madness. Then he will be forced to watch _Spongebob Squarepants _for Eternity." She roars and Char disappears. "We cannot reward you. For the sake of the Score, this must be kept secret. You have, only, our thanks."

Sword shrugs. "But there will be questions."

"No. No questions. You'll see. And in time, even the memory will be gone."

Behind Kirk, Spock's jaw drops. He realizes that this means Doctor McCoy will _never know_ about him being Fourth!! He does a little happy dance and jumps up and down in excitement.

Laura scoots over to Kirk while Spock is distracted. "Goodbye, James Kirk. Too bad."

Kirk absently checks to make sure he still has all his fingers as the Vadala raises her arms.

"Now if you'll excuse me," she says "I'm late for my chiropractic appointment. Goodbye!"

They all disappear, leaving the clearing with it's blue grass and multi-color mushrooms.

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Kirk and Spock are beamed back to the _Enterprise_, Spock in mid butt-wiggle.

SPOCK FANGIRLS/GUYS: –scream and faint with delight–

Sulu is so surprised, he ignores the various thuds of falling bodies around the ship and gets a close-up!

PRODUCERS: –muttering– Damn! Now we have to pay him extra!

"Sir, what happened? Did they call it off? I didn't even have time to exchange wagers with Uhura!"

"How long were we gone?" Spock asks, now merely twitching his eyebrow with delight.

"Well, about two minutes I guess. I don't understand!"

"The Vadala changed their minds," Kirk answers, looking into his close-up. "The danger is over."

It would seem Spock is still giddy with joy, because he takes time here to give Kirk's butt a good pinch. Kirk's eyes open very wide (we are still in close-up, you'll recall) and then gives his first officer a sidelong smirk.

"Back to your stations!" he calls to the others, "we've got a lot of other places to go!"

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A/N – I swear, Spock really must have pinched him, it looks just like it...what else could account for the wide eyes and the smirk like that? Sorry this is such a short last chapter, it kind of snuck up on me... I thought I had two more pages written down, but then I look and it's just notes for the rest of the parody...urg...

For some reason, Darkwing Duck popped into my head when I was writing this, so I figured I'd just stick it in there. And for those who don't know, the Ramones song Char gets stuck in his head is 'I want to be Sedated'... which is a really awful song to get stuck in your head, trust me. Not as bad as the _Spongebob_ theme though, mwahaha! Gabba gabba hey!

So loves, this is the Last Chapter (duh duh duh dummm!) My dad has suggested that I parody one or two of the movies next, since I have run out of actual episodes and we just canceled our movie-store subscription... Tell me whatcha think?

Quote for the day:

"Brace yourself for a bit of a shock mister, but I just saw you die!"

"Wha??"

"Well, I did warn you to brace yourself."

"But ye didn't give me much of a chance!"

" I gave you ample bracing time!"

"Ye didn't! Ye didn't even pause!"

"Well I'm sorry, but I've just had a rather nasty experience! I have just seen someone I know die in the most Hideous, hideous way!"

"Yes, me!"

– Red Dwarf (this one always makes me laugh, even though I've never seen the show)


	5. Deleted Scene 1 Mothers

**A/N– Here is the first Extra bit/deleted scene/outtake, as requested by (and with thanks to!) Shadow Valkyrie and Schematization... Hope you likey! More will come as I dream them up...**

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Bit One.

Later that week, Kirk enters Spock's rooms. "You, wanted to see me, Spock?"

"Yes Captain...I wished to know if you have told anyone of our adventures with the Vadala."

Kirk grins. "No, why? Did Laura send me something?"

Spock gives him a _look._ "No. You have made absolutely _no_ mention of that day to _anyone?_ Not even in a Captain's Log?"

Kirk gives him an affronted look. "What are you getting at, Spock? Has McCoy been saying things?"

Spock hands his Captain a piece of paper. "This is a print-out of a message I just received."

With a grin and a shake of his head, Kirk sits down on the Science Officer's bed, muttering something about 'Laura'. He then reads aloud what's written on the page.

" 'Dear Spock,

It has recently come to my attention that you were chosen for an elite rescue mission, not only for your impeccable taste, but also your exquisite science abilities. I was about to send an immediate congratulations, when I observed that you were chosen, not first and foremost as I had thought, but _fourth_. This, of course, is not acceptable. I will refrain from making your Father aware of this situation, with the understanding that you will do better in the future.

Sincerely, Your Mother.' "

Kirk does his level best to smother a snicker. "How on Earth did she know?"

Spock looks at him gloomily. "She is a mother. They _always _know."


End file.
